Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm Here, just AWOL

Getting back into the swing of things this week after last week's 80+ hour work-week. Got in one really amazing workout on Tuesday. Here's to one more if not two, eh?

And yes, getting that close to the Canadian border really does make one start to talk like that *wink and grin* Hoser! (Go watch Strange Brew if you don't understand that reference and then remember that the camp I work for is less than 5 miles away from the Canadian border). So I spent 9 days up at the camp, working a couple of decently hard retreats. This was, of course, on top of already working a full work week and a 60+ hour work week before that. I realized today that I've put in an extra 80 hours over the last four weeks. One of these was a weekend retreat, Saturday to Monday, where we had 90 people at a camp that technically has the capacity to sleep 50 (shh, no reporting please!). I was in the kitchen for much of that. Funny that I can cook and cook and not get hungry, in fact I see it only as some object that I'm working with and not as food. But when I sit down at the table, some weird mechanism kicks in where I get anxious that I won't get enough to eat. It's really strange, and something I've been fighting since starting this job. It may have something (okay it does have something) to do with control.

I like control. I like to be in control of myself, and am scared when I'm about to perceive that I'm going to lose it. Hence part of the reason why I've had such a difficult time these last months- I put a lot of my life out of control! So, I've been fighting that, and attempting to work through it. I get one piece under control, and another slips- a bit like a puzzle whose pieces are just slightly too big to fit. I can't really describe anything about it really well right now- it's midnight and my brain has shut down.

I just wanted you to know I'm still here, not off the wagon, but not holding the reins either. It's still strange, I feel like things are on the up-and-up. I hit rock bottom. I'm going the only way I can right now, and that's to better ground and better times. Now, if only I could get those puzzle pieces to fit...

By the way, my baby girl turned 5 years old today (on the 22nd)! I'm still having trouble grasping that one!

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