Complaining Done. On to Postive me again.

Alright, I realize the last two posts of mine absolutely sucked the life out of anyone reading them. So, I'm not going to complain anymore. Yay!

I got to the gym two times last week. So far, I've gotten to the gym two times this week. I plan on hitting it again tomorrow, so I'm on a roll :) The workouts are helping me feel better, and I'm liking having a focused place to go to and work out in again. I need to convince the Bally's to open up some space tho- so much taken up by machines, and none for free bell work. Hmm.

So I mentioned a couple of weeks ago how I wasn't liking my first e-book too much, which is silly of me. It's time to fix the problem and love it up. I had my husband go through it with a fine-toothed comb, and he found what was bugging me so bad about it. Now just to implement the changes. The funny thing is, right after he read it, he wanted to go work out :D So it's doing something right!

Bally's: Great Marketing, Blah Facilities

Last week Thursday, I walked into a Bally's facility and walked out with a membership. Soul-selling aside, I wasn't terribly impressed. I got the membership because they have two facilities that are close to where I live, which is better than anything else I'd have to drive out of the way for. I keep kicking myself now. The Gold's Gym that seemed too far away feels like such a better option. It was so much more open, prettier, had a much better kid's club, and isn't really out of the way on the route I'm taking to work now (it was before I knew about this route, which is why I didn't sign up then). The Bally's facilities are nothing like their marketing. It's a study in having great marketing people and bad interior designers. The interiors are closed-feeling and covered in dark paint, the kid's club requires a 24-hour advance sign-up and only has one supervisor (who appears to always be sitting at her desk), and the equipment is oldish and packed in too tightly. Not to mention that there isn't much choice in what kind of machine you use. I can handle that in a dinky gym like my last one, but even my gym prior to that had an arc trainer, stair mill, treadmills, steps, etc.

So, I've got the option of dropping that membership in two months. I may do so, but until then, I'm going to plug away at the place. I went to a TurboKick class this last week, which is a bit like kickboxing. I'll try the Kwando Strike class next week.

I should really stop complaining and just work out. I'm not back into my size 8 jeans yet after this summer, and while my endurance seems to be at an awesome level, my muscular strength is about zero (I haven't gotten to any weight training yet, just cardio- I'm easing back into things). I'm ready to whip myself back into shape!

Still Finding my Feel

I can tell I'm still trying to adjust to my new "town" and job. I have settled into some weird semblance of a routine, but I don't really like it. Having to make 40 hours in a week is draining. I can't believe ppl do 50 or even 80.

Part of the drain is the time in the car- I'm now spending anywhere between 25 minutes to 1.5 hours in the car both morning and evening. No, that's not a partial drain, that's a full drain. I get home after that 1 to 1.5 hour hurry up and wait drive and am so keyed up I can barely think straight. A couple of times now, my husband has strapped workout clothes on me and pushed me out the door.

I love my job, but those drives make even that get nearly outweighed.

This city is just absolutely amazing- there is no subway system, no through-way system, no way to alleviate the traffic. And people LOVE living here? They must live close enough to work to use the skyway system (a system of indoor walking paths that actually exist in place of a coherent mass transit system, and only exists downtown).

Taking a deep breath. Wow.

At any rate, I'm going to have to investigate doing more work from home, and driving during the traffic off-hours. And getting a regular workout.

They've been very sporadic lately. However, I told the guy at Bally's (who called me tonight) that I'd show up tomorrow sometime between 3 and 6 pm. So I will now have a place to go, get focused, and get in the groove. Whew. I may get more done if I do that!

Supposed to be a Quick One

Well, my idea of loving myself seems to be coming to fruition. I'm not only feeling better about myself, but I'm eating what I want and my clothes are fitting great. It's kinda weird.

I don't know that I've described it too much, but I brought it up in my blog earlier this week- how, truthfully, most people who are overweight hate themselves in some capacity or another. Ripx said in the comments that "hate" is a pretty powerful word. It is, and that's why I use it. If you really look at why human beings have fat stores, it's because our bodies are just trying to be good to us- to save up for that famine. So you can't hate your body for doing what it's supposed to be doing. Except we do. We hate that "weak" part of ourselves that let us "get fat" in the first place. We dislike how society has created this net around us of fast food and overbooked schedules. We hate that society expects us to be thin but constantly wants us to buy. We don't like how, if we lose weight, we still feel fat compared to the "beautiful people" or the people with abs. We hate how disgust overwhelms us when we look at ourselves in the mirror, or see an obese person on the street.

There's no love there. I think it's time to change.

It's time to start loving ourselves. For who we are RIGHT NOW. It's time to give appreciation to our bodies for being so wonderful to us- for allowing us to move, to think, to interact with others. It's time to ask your body for forgiveness for all the negative feelings you've had toward it. It's time to apologize.

So what have I been doing?

Since prior to reading "Zero Limits" by Dr. Joe Vitale, I've been saying four simple sentences- to God, to myself, and now, to my body. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I Love You." I've been peeling my own onion, so to speak, taking off the layers and the years of negative thoughts surrounding fat and food, the guilt and the shame. It's taking time. I'm not doing it overnight; there's a lot of layers there. A lot of predjudice and stereotypes. However, when I find myself feeling disgust for my body or seeing someone on the street, I immediately start playing the four sentences in my brain. Over and over. Because there's something I don't want to be, and that's the contributor to all the shame, guilt, and hate that surrounds obesity. But because I notice it, then I am somehow a contributor. It is now my problem, so I take responsibility. It's not the other person's fault that I feel disgust, it's mine. It's not my body's fault, it's mine. It's time to start loving. So that's what I'm doing.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Ahhh...owch!

Got my first concentrated workout in yesterday for the first time in a long while. It felt so good. I also convinced myself that I definitely am not out of shape! My muscles are pretty surprised though, they are sore today.

I went somewhat easy on the workout, but I didn't wimp out. I did 10 minutes of warm-up (bodyweight squats, full-body push-ups, the hamstring exercise I can't remember the name to, but pretty much involves laying on the floor, lifting your butt, and sticking out one leg- it really puts a nice charlie horse in the ham!). After that, I did 5 minutes of kettlebell swings with a 25 lb bell, then did 20 minutes on the treadmill with 1 minute running and 2 minutes walking. Running wasn't too hard, I could tell that my exercise this summer focused more on endurance and less on sprint-type exercises. That would have been the long trail walks, up and down hills and around rocks, and the long paddles in the canoe. And to think, I hadn't even been focusing on the endurance thing.

I also keep thinking about the whole maintenance issue, and wonder about it. I maintained my weight this summer, despite eating a heckuva lot of food (it was in constant abundance, and I'll talk about some of my emotional issues with it later). However, at one point during the summer, I became irrationally scared that I had gained 10 pounds, and my body responded by looking like it had. I got home, worked through a couple of things, and my body went back to pre-summer (in less than a week).

So, here's what I'm thinking: I think there's a huge, underlying issue that virtually gets ignored by anyone who is trying to lose weight. And most of it has to do with how we feel about ourselves in THIS MOMENT. Generally, if we're losing weight (or trying to lose weight), it's because we hate ourselves on some level. And if we're scared of gaining weight back, it's because we hate ourselves on some level. And if we've come to a standstill in the whole weight-loss process, then it's because we hate ourselves on some level. Actually, I think that one means we hate ourselves on a lot of levels. And if you hate me for saying this, then look into yourself. Ask yourself honestly.

Honestly, I'm still working through it myself, so we'll see where it goes. Like I said, I read "Zero Limits" and "The Key" this summer. The book I'm writing in spurts forced me to go back to childhood and high school memories that I had buried pretty deep, and made me a bit sick to think about and sift through. These were memories that I had used, on some level, to keep me going during the hard times of weight loss. However, they were also the ones that were keeping me from finding peace with myself, and caused me to irrationally fear that I had gained 10 pounds (and my body reacted to that fear by presenting it in a physical manner). Once I worked through some of that, my body shed those 10 pounds pretty much overnight. There's alot to this mind-body stuff, and I'm still learning and figuring it out. I'll likely be writing more about it as I work through it.

As it is, I've come to one conclusion: food is a matter of thought. It is what you think of it, and your body will react in the way you truly believe it will (under the surface. You know, that gut feeling you get). Society has programmed many things into us, and I'm starting to believe there's an underlying structure to humankind in and of itself, that isn't based just on this generation of society, but all of history. It gets pretty thick.

Anyway, that's enough philosophy for me!

We downloaded Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl from RiffTrax (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 without the robots), and I've been trying to watch that and write at the same time. I don't think it's working- till later!

Jumping Back In

Well, I'm back in civilization, as we all call it. It was an amazing summer for me, but also one that has left me with more questions than answers.

Since my internet access was either slow or nonexistent for most of the summer, I realize that I've got a lot of updating to do! First things first:

• *We ended up in St. Paul, MN. Cute little neighborhood, right smack in the middle of the city/suburbs.
• *My job is absolutely wonderful. Lots of logistics, customer relations, communication, with the added benefit of spending entire summers in the Northwoods of MN. Strangely enough, it does have a lot to do with fitness, but I'm in the admin part, so I am currently not training anyone.
• *Moving to the city means finding a new gym. I've currently got a trial membership at Gold's Gym, but it's 15 minutes in the wrong direction, so I'm looking at a Bally's that's on the way to work. There's a huge part of me that wants to stay as far away from the chains as possible, but another that wants the classes aspect, such as cardio karate and Zumba. The only other gym I've found on the way to work that isn't a chain, and appeals to me, is a regular gym without all the frills. There is an amazing shortage of gyms in the St. Paul area. So for anyone who wants to start a gym, it's an open market! On the gym note, I also found a kettlebell class. $15 per class or $120 per month. I may have to go with the $15/class option.
• *During the summer, I read "Zero Limits" and "The Key", both by Joe Vitale. I highly highly recommend both. The Law of Attraction on crack, and it works- if nothing else, I feel better about myself! I will be talking about both more later.
• *The comfort I had found with my current weight and body shape last spring, fairly solidified over the summer. I think I've gained some weight, and I know I've lost muscle because I haven't been lifting heavy (although canoes do count...), but so far it's not a bad weight. I just want to get back to working out in a gym regularly because I love working out.
• *I'm also working on an idea, based on the "Zero Limits" book, about clearing the obesity epidemic. There's not much behind the idea yet, but I'm working on it.
• *I'm also writing another book, geared towards teenage girls. So far I'm liking it 20x better than my first book, which probably says something about my first book.

So the questions that remain are, do I want to continue training people? I go back and forth on it. I think the experience is good, and I enjoyed doing it. However, I do have a full-time job and a family, and I'm no longer in school- I sort of want to enjoy the extra time I've got on my hands. So that's what I'm left with.

I've got some catching up on other blogs to do!