Decision in Poetry

I wrote this last night, after a particularly long time (read: the ENTIRE DAY) of pure, utter doing absolutely nothing- I didn't even get dressed, let alone really get off the couch. Of course, I wanted to beat up on myself. Instead, I turned around and started writing.

Here's what came out:

The decisions of today were mine; I made them.
I chose the path I took.
The day is over, no going back;
So what is the point of looking down on myself?
Beating me up, for making that choice?
The choice was mine to make, and made it I did.
No by taking action, but by avoiding taking all action.
The choice of the path I do no wish to continue upon.
This choice is easy to make, but carries a heavy burden.
I wish for freedom-
This choice offers the easy fruit of seeming like freedom
But at the end of the day
When the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" starts
When changing that choice is too late
The burden lies heavy on my heart.
Why did I do that?
The choice of the easy fruit-
So tempting, but with such a bitter aftertaste.
Too late to change today's choice.
But perhaps I can learn, and remember this lesson for another day,
Another choice.
Pick the easy path?
Or choose Freedom's path?
The decision is mine to make.

Desperate

Reflections on ending Day 7 of the 10-Day Sugar Challenge:

Dear God: If you help me get through this, I promise to be a really good girl. Really. I might even go and accomplish other goals. You just really need to help me through this. Amen.

The above has pretty much been my mantra for the past 7 days, and especially strong yesterday. I am really warped in this mind game, and have discovered just how much sugar I had allowed to sneak into my diet again. And/or I just wasn't focusing on eating the right things.

I have been focused on keeping the sugar out of my diet, and not at all focused on what I COULD eat. For instance, I just remembered tonight about the pile of bananas I have in my freezer, and how much I absolutely love blending them with a tablespoon or two of half&half and a 1/2 tbsp of cocoa powder (unsweetened). TONIGHT. 7 DAYS IN.

Obviously, I needed this intervention.

I'm not sure when/where the twist came to create this monster that I stared down this weekend, but boy, was he nasty- drooly fanged gangrenous creature. Unlike Luke killing the Rancor in Return of the Jedi (yep, I can make those references now, thanks to my hubby and daughter watching all of the movies again-and again-and-again), I'm not sure that I've done more than stunned him, tied him up with old cloths, and tossed him in the basement; but at least I've done that much. I did not let him get the best of me.

Oh sure, he took a couple good bites out of me- we made a chocolate cake on Friday night, my daughter and I, and frosted it on Saturday, and then I proceeded to serve everyone BUT myself no matter how much I drooled, whined, or cajoled myself. I thank Beck and her dream about how she wouldn't even allow herself a lick of ice cream with sprinkles, even though it was just a dream. If she hadn't told me that, I'm sure the monster would have swallowed me head-first. As it was, I've put the cake away- I won't tell you where, because then I'll remember.

The second bite he took out was the beautiful-looking ice cream shake my hubby had at lunch today- blueberry vanilla. I'm not going any farther with that, either.

Let's just say I was slightly cranky about that.

And that pretty much caps alot of my attitude toward the challenge. Cranky about all the stuff I can't have, without any focus on any of the goodies that I can have (and usually eat- that's the kicker!)

Time for that to change. What can I have?

1. Strawberry-vanilla smoothies/ strawberry-chocolate smoothies
2. Banana ice cream
3. Salmon
4. Cod
5. Pork chops
6. Veggies of any shape, size, or kind. As much as I darn well want.
7. Fruit.
8. Nuts/seeds
9. Oatmeal
10. Eggs
11. Veggies. More of 'em.
12. Fruit. More of that, too.
13. Other meats

I know this stuff. I teach it for a living. The key is to stop teaching and start doing.

I'll finish out this sugar challenge strong.

Two workouts by Wednesday night is my goal for exercise. Hold me to it. The knee is doing so much better, it's getting to a point where I can't use it as an excuse (for that's what it was) anymore.

ADDENDUM:

I had a discussion with myself in the shower this morning. It's called Wheat. That nasty stuff has also come back into my diet with a vengeance.

You may be thinking, "yeah, so? what's the big deal about that?"

Nothing, except that I discovered my body really doesn't like it.

It's never an immediate consequence when I eat wheat, hence the intolerance was actually tough to pin down until I kicked it out for a month last January (2010). When I eat wheat, I break out in acne (and the painful stuff, too- two or three or six of 'em), when I don't eat it, my skin is clear. When I eat wheat, I feel bloated, lethargic, and just not quite right. When I don't, all those feelings go away and I get "skinny-looking." It takes 1-2 days of eating wheat (heck, even 1-2 meals), and an entire week or so to recover.

Does that sound familiar?

So, I need to get the focus back to home base. What CAN I eat? How can I eat it? What can I do to substitute for those cravings I do get for ice cream, pizza, chocolate, and anything related to those three food items?

And what the f*ck can I do to get my workout momentum going again?

The sugar challenge

Today was the first day of the 10-day no-sugar challenge that Beck and I are doing together.

I won't consider it a complete success, as I believe some hidden sugars probably slipped in. I will call it good though.

Breakfast:

• -skipped due to sleeping in (whoops- daughter had turned off the sound on my iTouch and I forgot to turn it back on!)

Mid-morning meal:

• -sunflower seeds- approx 1 oz

Lunch:

• 1 cup spaghetti (hidden sugar in sauce, most likely- I made it last night, and there's a lot of left overs, so I'll be eating it for lunch tomorrow and again on Wednesday- not much I can do about that unless i want it to go bad, which I don't want to do; we've got to use up what we have right now as we're at the end of our grocery budget)
• 2 cheddar biscuits (from Schwans- probably hidden sugar)

Mid-afternoon meal:

• 2 tbsp peanut butter on 2 slices homemade bread

Pre-dinner snack at 6:30 pm:

• 1 oz sunflower seeds

Dinner at 7:45 pm:

• Spaghetti (again)
• Bread (again)
• Biscuit (again)

Not a whole lot of variety in today's food, nor any real vegetables. Or fruits. No reason, really, except for bad planning ahead. Also, about 4 meals more of wheat than I usually eat.

So, I know that the spaghetti's on the docket for lunch again tomorrow- although now that I look at that, I'm kinda spaghettied-out. I can certainly do an orange, some eggs, nuts, and broccoli with or during other meals. I've got cabbage too, and stir fry veggies, and some tuna, that I could throw together for lunch, and leave the spaghetti for another time. Using what I've got!

Workout:
20 minutes of snow shoveling and 10 minutes mobility. Part of me is judging that, saying I should do more. The rest of me says to go to bed immediately. Right now, I'm much more likely to go to bed. I could do a little more mobility work though- my back is sore...

Exhaustion but I'm Still Up

Should have been in bed about an hour ago- woke up this morning with a strange dizziness and ringing in my ears that persisted through the mid-afternoon, was strangely fatigued, and not really feeling 100%- not sick, but not right, either. I figure I must be fighting something off.

Which means I should be in bed.

However, showing my ability to avoid the obvious, I'm here writing.

I've been thinking today about the concept of being a role model. It's come up because, as I so clearly pointed out to myself today, I've been aiming for the goal of 139 pounds for over 3 years now.

Either sh*t or get off the pot, as my mother would say.

I must say I'm rather happy at 150 lbs. I don't look bad. I feel good, quality of life isn't hindered, and my clients don't brush me off because I'm "so skinny they can't ever get to where I'm at."

However, and here's the kicker:

I really DO want to experience what it's like to have a very lean, muscular-looking body. Not a average joe, yeah-i-look-good-but-imagine-how-good-i-could-look-with-muscles-popping body. The "I can pop out 100 pushups without blinking" body, or basically, something that I don't have to worry about sucking anything in or being embarrassed in a swimsuit when I run into a client.

There's a standard that personal trainers are held up to by other personal trainers, and of course it's especially exaggerated for females- and I fail that standard miserably.

I am, quite honestly, NOT a good role model. I can't take my own advice that I'm giving out, most of the time.

And I need that to change.

Here's to taking my own advice.

Beck and I are starting a sugar-free 10-day challenge tomorrow (monday) morning. Here's to being a good role model and going sugar-free!

A Knee Story

O.M.G. I actually had to LOOK UP the address to this blog when I was asked for it earlier today. That tells me something!

I'll stop ignoring it, really!

I currently feel a bit like I've been working to gain momentum on a ball that has corners- start, stop, start, stop.

Some background:
In September (pretty much right after I posted the last blog post), I dislocated my knee while doing some single leg squats. That tore my meniscus, which I didn't find out until mid-November when the tear got caught between two bones and pinched- HARD. And here I had just thought I strained a ligament or something.

So, after already babying the left knee for the fall months of Sept, Oct, and November (with reduced workouts and workout intensity as a result), I underwent knee surgery on December 6. I figured I'd be done with it and good as gold right after.

Not so much.

I spent a week on crutches, the next few weeks hobbling around and having extraordinarily limited ability to work out (as in, one workout a week pretty much did me in). January 7, I'd had enough and started Josh Hillis' 21-Day Kettlebell Challenge. Got through Day 1. Got through Day 2. By Day 3, my knee was stiff again. Grumble. Alright, so I took the hint and backed off again.

So, here I am now. I have decided that I'm going to go against every fiber in my being and quit doing the "all or nothing" approach. 3 days per week, no pressure to do more. The three days are not to be consecutive, at least for the first few weeks. Ice the knee every night and keep it up, but also listen to it. Don't push it just to show clients how to do an exercise. If I can't show it, and they don't know it, I'll change it to something they do know. Finally give my knee some real rest, since I've been trying to push it ever since the surgery.

On the positive, each week I can do a little more on it, which means it is making progress. I just, of course, want it all done with YESTERDAY.

Next Tuesday is 6 weeks since the surgery. Here's to being FULLY recovered by 10 weeks out.