I wrote this last night, after a particularly long time (read: the ENTIRE DAY) of pure, utter doing absolutely nothing- I didn't even get dressed, let alone really get off the couch. Of course, I wanted to beat up on myself. Instead, I turned around and started writing.
Here's what came out:
The decisions of today were mine; I made them.
I chose the path I took.
The day is over, no going back;
So what is the point of looking down on myself?
Beating me up, for making that choice?
The choice was mine to make, and made it I did.
No by taking action, but by avoiding taking all action.
The choice of the path I do no wish to continue upon.
This choice is easy to make, but carries a heavy burden.
I wish for freedom-
This choice offers the easy fruit of seeming like freedom
But at the end of the day
When the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" starts
When changing that choice is too late
The burden lies heavy on my heart.
Why did I do that?
The choice of the easy fruit-
So tempting, but with such a bitter aftertaste.
Too late to change today's choice.
But perhaps I can learn, and remember this lesson for another day,
Another choice.
Pick the easy path?
Or choose Freedom's path?
The decision is mine to make.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Desperate
Reflections on ending Day 7 of the 10-Day Sugar Challenge:
Dear God: If you help me get through this, I promise to be a really good girl. Really. I might even go and accomplish other goals. You just really need to help me through this. Amen.
The above has pretty much been my mantra for the past 7 days, and especially strong yesterday. I am really warped in this mind game, and have discovered just how much sugar I had allowed to sneak into my diet again. And/or I just wasn't focusing on eating the right things.
I have been focused on keeping the sugar out of my diet, and not at all focused on what I COULD eat. For instance, I just remembered tonight about the pile of bananas I have in my freezer, and how much I absolutely love blending them with a tablespoon or two of half&half and a 1/2 tbsp of cocoa powder (unsweetened). TONIGHT. 7 DAYS IN.
Obviously, I needed this intervention.
I'm not sure when/where the twist came to create this monster that I stared down this weekend, but boy, was he nasty- drooly fanged gangrenous creature. Unlike Luke killing the Rancor in Return of the Jedi (yep, I can make those references now, thanks to my hubby and daughter watching all of the movies again-and again-and-again), I'm not sure that I've done more than stunned him, tied him up with old cloths, and tossed him in the basement; but at least I've done that much. I did not let him get the best of me.
Oh sure, he took a couple good bites out of me- we made a chocolate cake on Friday night, my daughter and I, and frosted it on Saturday, and then I proceeded to serve everyone BUT myself no matter how much I drooled, whined, or cajoled myself. I thank Beck and her dream about how she wouldn't even allow herself a lick of ice cream with sprinkles, even though it was just a dream. If she hadn't told me that, I'm sure the monster would have swallowed me head-first. As it was, I've put the cake away- I won't tell you where, because then I'll remember.
The second bite he took out was the beautiful-looking ice cream shake my hubby had at lunch today- blueberry vanilla. I'm not going any farther with that, either.
Let's just say I was slightly cranky about that.
And that pretty much caps alot of my attitude toward the challenge. Cranky about all the stuff I can't have, without any focus on any of the goodies that I can have (and usually eat- that's the kicker!)
Time for that to change. What can I have?
1. Strawberry-vanilla smoothies/ strawberry-chocolate smoothies
2. Banana ice cream
3. Salmon
4. Cod
5. Pork chops
6. Veggies of any shape, size, or kind. As much as I darn well want.
7. Fruit.
8. Nuts/seeds
9. Oatmeal
10. Eggs
11. Veggies. More of 'em.
12. Fruit. More of that, too.
13. Other meats
I know this stuff. I teach it for a living. The key is to stop teaching and start doing.
I'll finish out this sugar challenge strong.
Two workouts by Wednesday night is my goal for exercise. Hold me to it. The knee is doing so much better, it's getting to a point where I can't use it as an excuse (for that's what it was) anymore.
ADDENDUM:
I had a discussion with myself in the shower this morning. It's called Wheat. That nasty stuff has also come back into my diet with a vengeance.
You may be thinking, "yeah, so? what's the big deal about that?"
Nothing, except that I discovered my body really doesn't like it.
It's never an immediate consequence when I eat wheat, hence the intolerance was actually tough to pin down until I kicked it out for a month last January (2010). When I eat wheat, I break out in acne (and the painful stuff, too- two or three or six of 'em), when I don't eat it, my skin is clear. When I eat wheat, I feel bloated, lethargic, and just not quite right. When I don't, all those feelings go away and I get "skinny-looking." It takes 1-2 days of eating wheat (heck, even 1-2 meals), and an entire week or so to recover.
Does that sound familiar?
So, I need to get the focus back to home base. What CAN I eat? How can I eat it? What can I do to substitute for those cravings I do get for ice cream, pizza, chocolate, and anything related to those three food items?
And what the f*ck can I do to get my workout momentum going again?
Dear God: If you help me get through this, I promise to be a really good girl. Really. I might even go and accomplish other goals. You just really need to help me through this. Amen.
The above has pretty much been my mantra for the past 7 days, and especially strong yesterday. I am really warped in this mind game, and have discovered just how much sugar I had allowed to sneak into my diet again. And/or I just wasn't focusing on eating the right things.
I have been focused on keeping the sugar out of my diet, and not at all focused on what I COULD eat. For instance, I just remembered tonight about the pile of bananas I have in my freezer, and how much I absolutely love blending them with a tablespoon or two of half&half and a 1/2 tbsp of cocoa powder (unsweetened). TONIGHT. 7 DAYS IN.
Obviously, I needed this intervention.
I'm not sure when/where the twist came to create this monster that I stared down this weekend, but boy, was he nasty- drooly fanged gangrenous creature. Unlike Luke killing the Rancor in Return of the Jedi (yep, I can make those references now, thanks to my hubby and daughter watching all of the movies again-and again-and-again), I'm not sure that I've done more than stunned him, tied him up with old cloths, and tossed him in the basement; but at least I've done that much. I did not let him get the best of me.
Oh sure, he took a couple good bites out of me- we made a chocolate cake on Friday night, my daughter and I, and frosted it on Saturday, and then I proceeded to serve everyone BUT myself no matter how much I drooled, whined, or cajoled myself. I thank Beck and her dream about how she wouldn't even allow herself a lick of ice cream with sprinkles, even though it was just a dream. If she hadn't told me that, I'm sure the monster would have swallowed me head-first. As it was, I've put the cake away- I won't tell you where, because then I'll remember.
The second bite he took out was the beautiful-looking ice cream shake my hubby had at lunch today- blueberry vanilla. I'm not going any farther with that, either.
Let's just say I was slightly cranky about that.
And that pretty much caps alot of my attitude toward the challenge. Cranky about all the stuff I can't have, without any focus on any of the goodies that I can have (and usually eat- that's the kicker!)
Time for that to change. What can I have?
1. Strawberry-vanilla smoothies/ strawberry-chocolate smoothies
2. Banana ice cream
3. Salmon
4. Cod
5. Pork chops
6. Veggies of any shape, size, or kind. As much as I darn well want.
7. Fruit.
8. Nuts/seeds
9. Oatmeal
10. Eggs
11. Veggies. More of 'em.
12. Fruit. More of that, too.
13. Other meats
I know this stuff. I teach it for a living. The key is to stop teaching and start doing.
I'll finish out this sugar challenge strong.
Two workouts by Wednesday night is my goal for exercise. Hold me to it. The knee is doing so much better, it's getting to a point where I can't use it as an excuse (for that's what it was) anymore.
ADDENDUM:
I had a discussion with myself in the shower this morning. It's called Wheat. That nasty stuff has also come back into my diet with a vengeance.
You may be thinking, "yeah, so? what's the big deal about that?"
Nothing, except that I discovered my body really doesn't like it.
It's never an immediate consequence when I eat wheat, hence the intolerance was actually tough to pin down until I kicked it out for a month last January (2010). When I eat wheat, I break out in acne (and the painful stuff, too- two or three or six of 'em), when I don't eat it, my skin is clear. When I eat wheat, I feel bloated, lethargic, and just not quite right. When I don't, all those feelings go away and I get "skinny-looking." It takes 1-2 days of eating wheat (heck, even 1-2 meals), and an entire week or so to recover.
Does that sound familiar?
So, I need to get the focus back to home base. What CAN I eat? How can I eat it? What can I do to substitute for those cravings I do get for ice cream, pizza, chocolate, and anything related to those three food items?
And what the f*ck can I do to get my workout momentum going again?
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